The {last} Night Before Kindergarten

Tomorrow, I take my last little to kindergarten. And, even knowing that it is just hours away, it still somehow doesn't seem real. We've had the date circled on the calendar for weeks, we bought school supplies, and met her teacher. Her backpack is ready and her lunch is packed. She is so excited. We have practiced her letters, she can write her name and count to 100. We have checked every box on every kindergarten "checklist" out there. I know that she is prepared, but, I'm still not ready. 

While this is a big day for Charlotte, like it was for Madeleine and Harrison, it's different in that it is a big day for me as well. This is one of those "big change" days: I'll no longer be a mom to kids that are home during the day. And, that has been a defining piece of who I am for the past 11 years. And, it's hard to say goodbye to that phase of my life. I told Matt on our first date that I wanted to be a mom one day, and I am so thankful that Matt has supported my dream of getting to be home full time with our kids. It has been a sacrifice for us in many ways, but it was worth it.

Tonight I am sitting here wondering (again) where the time has gone? Not every day was an easy one or even a good one; there were some hard, hard days when Charlotte was a baby that I wondered if I would every have a moment alone. And, now I'm staring down days alone. There were moments when I would lay in bed at night and think, "for the first time all day, no one is touching me, or talking to me." And, yet, tomorrow, I'll be counting the minutes until I get that first hug after school, and enjoying every moment of hearing the kids talk over one another to tell about their day.

Oh, perspective, how you change things.

I think my biggest sadness, comes from knowing that these years that I have loved, are over. OVER. I can never, ever get them back. There will be many fun days ahead. Life is much easier as they get older. But, just knowing that I'll never have these days with kids at home during the school year again, makes my heart ache.

Charlotte and I have had so much fun this year. I've had her at home with me, just the 2 of us, for the past 3 years. But, this past year --with her being older has just been fun. 

We have had playdates, and park dates, and library dates. We've had lunch out -- just the 2 of us. We have bummed around the mall in the afternoons, snuggled on the couch, read hundreds of books, turned up the music and sung and danced in the living room. She has been my shopping buddy, my grocery helper, my cleaning partner, my sidekick.  It's crazy but I feel like I'm sending my best friend off to school. :) This year has been so easy with her during the day.

I really have no regrets -- I have done everything I wanted to do with her. But, it still doesn't feel like enough and I'm realizing that even if we had more time, it would never feel like enough.

She is ready; I've done my job. The thing she's most excited about? Carpool. Yep, carpool. She has spent her entire life waiting in the car to pick up the big kids from school, and now it's her turn to get into the car and tell about her day. She can't wait.

Matt keeps reminding me that it's just a day. One day. It will come, it will go, and life will move on. Deep down, I have a feeling that I may enjoy having some days to myself. And, I'm going back to work part time as a helper in a pre-k class -- which I will love, I'm sure. It has turned out to be such a blessing to find this job.

Tomorrow will be hard. I'll learn to live in this new phase of our lives. Charlotte will love and thrive in kindergarten. And, I'll be the first mom in the carpool line to pick her up.